I was watching Netflix in my pajamas when i suddenly got hungry, it was around three o'clock on a Tuesday, i'm usually too baked too be able to keep track of the time so i wasn't ever really sure. it could have been a goddamn Thursday for all i knew. Really most days were the same, just held up in my room taking bong rips while watching Malcolm in the middle but of course i couldn't spend all my time in my room. Food was technically necessary for a person, and i may not have really considered my self to be a normal human being but i did like food. Every day i'd make about two trips downstairs out my room, both for food. I'd usually walk around barefoot, on some rare occasions i'd wear a pair of mismatched socks and slide about the house. This time i had socks, i had extra reason today to sprint because my parents had brought home tacos from the near by Taqueria. Unfortunately what i hadn't counted on was my asshole chihuahua on the stairs. I lean to the side to evade him, i miss him but i'm thrown of balance midway down the stairs and i fall. One thing I've always been is clumsy so when i fell i hit my head on basically everything i could have hit my head on. From there on all there was, was black.
I awaken to find myself in an alley, i know who i am yet, i feel different i'm in dirty clothes and my regular and somewhat chewed on fingers have turned in to dirty sausage things. There's a pungent smell in the air and it doesn't take me long to figure out it is me, everything seems hazy, and my memory is growing hazier, as i look around i notice things are strange, everything seems old as if i was in some terrible town in the south. I decide to get up and head for something that seems familiar, as i get up i can feel my legs unbalanced, nothing feels correct, i almost feel glued to the ground, however i focus my mind and I'm able to stand, my legs feel unbalanced and sweaty, I don't believe I've showered in quite some time. As i walk down the street i slowly start to notice that i'm suddenly in a residential area, i turn around and i cannot see the buildings and shops i saw before, in fact only about 15 feet back was a dead end street. I quicken my pace, unsure of everything, its hard to look up as the sun is blinding my eyes, i can only look at the sidewalk and very slightly in front of me but it is still heavily blurred. Suddenly i trip and fall, the blow to the ground is softened by grass, as i lay there the sprinklers burst on, they scare me but i decide to stay for a short while as the water feels nice on my skin.
When I get up i notice something welcoming, my home. exactly how i know it. however there are no cars occupying the driveway. I go to the front door and quickly am quickly defeated by a simple locked door. However this is my house, so i go around back, unfortunately every window and door i try is also locked, including the dog doors. I decide to try to scale onto the second floor and as i put my hand on a nearby tree i feel a drop of water hit my head. one followed by another quickly growing faster until its pouring rain all around me. I don't let this get in my way though I grab onto the branch and pull myself up,which is when i realize i can't be me because i haven't been able to do a pull up in, well shit I've never been able to do a pull up. Somehow I'm doing fine through all of this I flawlessly jump on my roof and make it into my room. I instantly take off all those nasty clothes i'm wearing to reveal the Wookie that was underneath. I decide to go to the bathroom to shower and evaluate what's happening when i see the stairs. And I remember everything. my head feels fine however, no bruising, stitches, scars nothing. as i walk down the stair case and under it i feel a strong pull towards the wall, where there's a light switch. Now this is odd because this light switch in particular would really control nothing, so obviously i had to see what it did and i flicked it instantly dropping me down a trap door. Regret, that is mostly all i feel at this moment up until i hit a pile of garbage in a large room, I get up and see that I had in fact crushed the guy who was on that show the apprentice.
This room was enormous, I had no idea how it could possibly be there but as i walked deeper into the seemingly endless lair i noticed a pool of incredibly blue water. I approached it as anyone would and i saw a face in the waters reflection, there i screamed "Holy shit, I'm Ted Cruz." The shock jolted me awake where I saw the blinding light of a hospital room and a shitty T.V.
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