Sunday, May 21, 2017

Brothers

San Leandro 1976

“Malcolm, where’s your brother?”
“He’s in the backyard, he’ll be ok for two minutes, I just came inside to get us some water.”  
“Well, okay, just hurry up. You know he can’t take care of himself.”
“Mom, he’s not as hopeless as you think. He just needs help.” My mom disregards me and goes back to cooking our supper. I can smell the cornbread in the oven. It almost seems like it’s inviting me to eat it, but last time I tried to eat something out of the oven, mama beat my ass, so I think I’m good.
I go to the sink to fill our cups, and walk into the sun drenched back yard but when I get there I don’t see my brother.
“Oh, shit.” I say quietly.  I set the glasses of water down on the table and walk into the back yard shutting the door behind me. “Calvin!” I say not wanting my mom to hear me. “Goddammit, Calvin where’d you go?” I look around trying to see a way he could’ve gotten out, but everything is closed. Did he just get up and decide to leave? He’s never done this before. All of a sudden, I hear a loud noise coming from down the block. It kind of sounded like a firework or gunshot but I’m not sure.
I rush to the gate and look down the street to see Calvin in front of a police car. He’s on the ground pinned by a bald white cop with a large trimmed mustache, and his face being shoved into the hot, rocky concrete. I run up to them and as I approach I can see a puppy lying in a pool of its own blood. The pool is growing and Calvin’s head is now wet with blood, but I can’t be sure it wasn’t already, seeing how this fucker is treating my brother.
“Hey! What are you doing?! He’s mentally challenged and he can’t even speak!”
“Watch how you’re talking to me, boy.”  The cop says angrily.
“But what did he even do?”
“He fits the description of a shoplifter not far from here.”
“Didn’t you hear me? He’s my 13 year old brother and he’s mentally challenged! He’s been at my house all day.”
“This big gorilla is only 13?” He says laughing. “What are you, his little nigglet helper?”
“I’m his older brother.”
The officer’s radio goes off and it says something about how they found the shoplifter headed towards bayfair. We give each other a sort of stare and he gets off of calvin. The cop gets in his car  and drives away without saying another word. I rush over to help Calvin up and get him out of the street. “Are you okay Calvin? Jesus, where did the puppy come from? Is that why you left the backyard?” Calvin look at the ground and starts rubbing his head.
“OW!” he yells
“Shit, well let’s take you back home and mom will drive you to the hospital okay, Calv?”
Holding in tears, he looks down at me and gives me a sad nod.
As soon as we get into the house mama sees us and begins panicking. “Jesus, Calvin! I thought you two were in the back playing? Oh lord, my poor baby’s bleeding! Are you alright? Malcolm, What happened?!”
Terrified at the thought of what she might do if I say the wrong thing, I carefully explain the situation.
“I went out into the backyard but Calvin wasn’t there. The back gate was left open so I ran to go find him before he got too far. He hurt his head and I think we might have to go to the doctor.”
“Well, yes Malcolm, I can see he hurt his head. How?” She asked with a piercing stare.
“Well, I don’t really know. When I got there, he was already on the ground. I just brought him back home and over to you.”
She looks at me for a second with a blank face. I know this face. It’s the face any parent uses when they’re trying to figure out whether or not their kid is lying. “Fine, we’ll continue talking about this later. We’re going to the hospital.”
There are two hospitals in San Leandro. Well, probably more but I’m not actually sure. There’s the one not so far from our house that everyone in my neighborhood goes to and then there’s the one I sometimes will see when my mom takes us to get groceries. Its really big and seems much nicer than ours. I remember when we first moved here I asked my mom why we didn’t go to the hospital that actually had all of the letters in “Hospital” written outside. She just answered “We’re supposed to be able to, but things here aren’t like that.” It took me a few months to understand what she meant by that.
The doctor took Calvin into a big room and my mom followed. The doctor didn’t seem that worried but he wanted to do some scans and x-rays just to be safe. They don’t think he has a concussion but they’re very careful with these things. This doctor has always been pretty nice to my family, Dr. Yu. I think he’s Chinese but he’s never actually said where he’s from. But every time we’ve come to visit him,r he makes the same joke. “Hello, I am Yu!”  
Today it felt a little inappropriate.
It’s been about 3 hours, I think. There isn’t a clock out here so I might just be being dramatic. This whole hallway has a dark, depressing atmosphere.  I’m sitting on a very worn-out wooden bench and it feels like it’s giving me splinters in my ass. It’s odd how they decided to paint this room a horrible brownish yellow color as if it isn’t already depressing enough in here. There’s a hole in the floor which they decided to cover with some cheap plywood and  a few drops of blood trailing from the hole. I feel like I know everything about this room and I really wish I didn’t.
The door opens with Dr. Yu leading my mom out into the hallway. Her eyes are puffy and red with a few tears still rolling down her cheeks. “Where’s Calvin?” I ask anxiously.
She opens her mouth in an attempt to say something but instead bursts out crying and runs down the hall into the girls bathroom. Dr. Yu turns to me and says, “Calvin is still finishing up with the scan, but I think we may have to run some more tests.”
“What do you mean? I thought you were just checking to see if he had a concussion.” Dr.Yu hesitates for a quick second. “Well yes, but we’ve found something.”
“Found what?” My right eye has a small tear emerging but I force it back in. I can see that Dr. Yu is thinking very carefully about what he’s about to say. It feels like an eternity before he actually says something.
“It could just be a cyst which is like a pocket of water, but even a cyst in the wrong location can be fatal or cause serious harm. This ‘growth’ is located right above the medulla oblongata; the control center for the heart and lungs.”
I shake my head in disbelief, I’m not sure if I’ve even understood all of what he just said.  “ Is he going to die?”
“I don’t know, if it doesn’t grow then he could be fi… he could live for a long time. But we’re going to have to run some more tests to find out.




I can’t believe my mom made me come to school. Yesterday that bullshit happened and now I’m stuck here in math class learning about a triangle. I’m sure there’s more to this but I can’t really focus on shapes when my brother may or may not be dying. The worst part of this is that I think it’d probably be easier if they just told me he was going to die. This tiny bit of hope I have is driving me insane.
My whole body jumps  at the sound of the bell. You’d think they’re using a goddamn air horn. As I walk out of the humid classroom, I can feel the cool wind on my face. Unfortunately, there’s not much shade to be had. This whole school is essentially five portables in a parking lot and a building for the administration. I guess the city of San Leandro doesn’t want to pay much for less than a hundred kids.
The only thing good about math is that right afterwards is lunch. Since Calvin stays in the Special ED building most of the time I really only have one other friend. An asian kid a year younger than me named Ryan. I really should figure out what part of Asia he’s from.  
“Hey Malcolm how was your weekend?” Ryan asks pushing his straight black hair out from in front of his eyes. I pause for a second unsure of what to say, other than sunday the weekend was actually pretty good, Saturday we went to a park nearby my house. Well if you could call it that it was like a quarter the size of the school and it was basically just one tree and patchy unkempt grass but Calvin didn’t seem to mind, he climbed that tree like a champ. I could barely pull myself up without needing an oxygen mask. Friday my mom tried to take us to the zoo but when we got there it was “at full capacity” and they wouldn’t let “anyone else” in, so my mom took us to get chinese food instead.
“Ugh you ok?” He looks at me concerned.
“Oh, yeah yeah the weekend was good. You?” I say trying to get the topic off of me.
“Great! I went to my cousins house up in San Francisco we got food and went to see Rocky. Oh yeah, then I fucked your mom.”
“Jesus, Ryan you’re lucky no one wants to have sex with your mom.”
“Haha, yeah I guess, least this way it’s just my mom telling me what to do and she doesn’t really tell me to do much other than my hw, see she doesn’t want me to go out at night but she isn’t gonna come check up on me randomly like your mom.”
“Yeah but I have Calvin. When she’s checking up on me she’s really checking up on him.”
“Hey what happened to your dad anyway? Your mom’s pretty smokin’ I’d be surprised if any guy just up and left.”
I could feel my skin crawl as soon as the word dad slipped out of his mouth.
“He didn’t leave.”
“Ok. Then what?”
“He fit the description of something.”

Damn these wood bleachers are making my ass itch, I wish this school had at least enough money to get some decent chairs for these boring assemblies. It’s a miracle this school even exists.
After several minutes of non chalantly scooting my ass on the bench in the hopes of taking care of this itch, a white man in a black suit with bright orange hair that looks like it could be a combover comes out. He has two police officers with him for protection. He looks familiar, I know I’ve seen his face  but I’m not sure where from.
The Principal of the school steps out with a microphone and says “Please welcome the Mayor of the city of San Leandro Elliot Johnson.”  While there was some applause many of the kids were whispering to each other. “Why is he here?”
He takes the podium and says “Hello children, you all look wonderful simply fabulous. Now some of my associates have informed me about this school, very well I might add, about how it does business, now one thing I’ve taken real concern to is that you don’t have any school lunches here at this school. Not one. So my own personal “THE ELLIOT” brand food truck will be coming to your school and will be selling hot fresh meals with only the freshest ingredients for only a dollar a person. Thank you and have a wonderful evening.” He hands the microphone back to the Principal who says “ Thank you Mayor Johnson. Alright kids it’s three o’clock please meet back with your teacher and you will be dismissed to go home.”
On my way to get Calvin from his special E.D. class Ryan runs up to me and says. “Hey I stole some money from my mom’s wallet let’s go and see “Taxi Driver” tonight after your mom and Calvin go to bed?”
I look at him for a second thinking does he not realise that we’re fucking fourteen and we look like we’re twelve. “Dude that’s an “R” rated movie we can’t get in without our parents.”
He laughs and says “Yeah but I know a place where when this one guy is working he’ll let anyone into any movie, and he’s working their tonight.”
I think about it for a second and say “Fine but you’re paying for snacks.”
One thing I’ve always liked about San Leandro is that even when it was hot, it never got unbearable, but right now after I’ve been walking in the sun for about an hour and I haven’t had anything to drink since lunch time I feel about ready to give up on life. To be honest this doesn’t seem like such a horrible place to just pass out. Calvin on the other hand, it’s like he doesn’t even notice the heat.  Nothing ever really seems to bother him.
“Calvin! Slow down I don’t want to have to run right now!”But Calvin is so preoccupied looking at a butterfly that’s flying near his head it’s like he didn’t even hear me. The butterfly whisks of to the left down into a slightly forested section of the neighborhood and Calvin sprints after it.
“Calvin!Stop!” But he doesn’t stop. “Shit!” I yell and run after him.
As we’re running I can see the concrete turn to dirt and a mixture of grass and dead leaves, The walls have moss and leaves growing on them from lack of cleaning. The sunlight pierces through the leaves of the trees spotting the ground I’m running on. This would be really nice if I wasn’t exhausted.
Calvin turns a corner and I can see him fall to his knees. He lets out a kind of giddy laugh. I turn the corner to see more butterflies than I’ve ever seen in my entire life, I didn’t even realize some were colored like this. Each butterfly has it’s own unique color pattern and different spots. They whisk all around almost as if they’re performing just for us. A few land on me but not nearly as many as Calvin has on him. As I’m watching I’m noticing they’re not flying in some random order. They’re circling Calvin, dancing all around him.  In all the whirring of the butterflies whisking around you can hear Calvin loud as ever giggling like a baby.
“Malcolm, have you done your homework?” My mom asks me while serving me a plate of mashed sweet potatoes and green beans. “Yes mam. Finished it right when I  got home from school.”  She looks at me gauging whether or not she thinks I’m lying. “Ok. Well eat up I got some chicken in the oven coming out in a minute, I just gotta get something from my room.” She steps off out into the hallway. While I gorge myself on amazingly creamy sweet potatoes I can see Calvin staring off into nothing. Normally he has a bigger appetite than I do.
“Calvin? You alright buddy?” He shakes his head and points into the hall.
“What? Mom? What about her?” He sticks his hand out again pointing in the same spot like he’s telling me to go there.
As I go into the hallway I hear a small whimper, I look back at Calvin but he’s fine and I don’t think it came from that direction. As I’m looking at her door I can see a through a small parting from where she left the door open, and I can see my mom at the foot of her bed holding a picture frame to her chest with tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Alright Goodnight mom.”
“Goodnight Malcolm, goodnight Calvin, I love you both.”
“I love you too mom.” Calvin just gives her a big crooked smile and waves.
After she shuts the door I turn away from Calvin and try to mimic snoring. After what seemed like an hour of just laying there pretending to be asleep, I mustered the courage to check to see if Calvin is asleep. I remove my blanket hiding my street clothes, and I put on my shoes. As I go up to Calvin I see he’s turned away facing the wall, and as I get closer I can hear him softly snoring.
I open the sliding door leading into the backyard and attempt to hop over the gate, but after about a minute of struggling the gate just swung open with me hanging on. I hopped down and shut it again. As I walk down my poorly lit street I realise I have no idea where we’re going, we didn’t plan this out at all, all we said was what movie we’re going too why the fuck am I out here when I don’t even know where to meet Ryan.
Out of nowhere I’m tackled onto one of my neighbors lawns. I’m being slapped over and over all around.
“Fuck mom I’m sorry I wasn’t doing anything!” My assailant releases me and stands up. “Dude you are way too fucking ugly to have come out of me.”
“Fucking jesus Ryan, we could’ve woke up my neighbors! How long have you been out here?”
“About an hour. Honestly what took you so long?”
“We didn’t even set up a time to meet up at or a place.”
“Haha oh yeah. Well come on move it we gotta get there before the theatre closes.”
“So where is this theatre anyway?” I ask Ryan hoping he does know where the theatre is.
“It’s a few blocks away from the Oakland Zoo. Don’t worry we’ll be there in half an hour tops.”
“Jesus Ryan do you not know where the Oakland Zoo is? It’s going to be way longer than that.”
“Well maybe at your pace, but with me I actually walk. You just get tired after like two blocks then bitch about how your thighs rub together. Come on man you got this I’ve seen you do some things that could be considered athletic.”
“Well… ok but…” Out of nowhere I hear a second set of running foot steps at me from behind, It has to be my mom I know it. I turn around and quickly spit out “We were just talking!” But instead of my mom standing there scaring the shit out of me it was Calvin.
“Holy crap Calvin don’t run at me like that, you scared the bejesus out of me! What are you doing here?” He just looks at me with a disapproving face. “Oh right, well just come on. Did you atleast sneak out quietly? He nods his head giddily.
Ryan Comes up to Calvin and says “What up man, I hope you're up for seeing some boobies.”
“Shut up Ryan, Calvin there’s not gonna be any boobs, well maybe in the movie but I don’t know.”
“Goddammit Ryan It’s been well past forty five minutes where’s the theatre?”
“Ugh really nearby man, you’ll see.”
“Come here Ryan, I’m about to smack you upside the head for dragging me and my brother all the way out here.”  I say to him partially joking.  
He starts to back away saying “ Haha come on man it’s right over here!” He quickly turns around and sprints In the opposite direction.
“Jesus, he’s fast. Hold up Calvin. He’s mine.” I start to sprint for him, it doesn’t take long for me to realise it’s been a while but Ryan dragged me and Calvin all the way out to some random part of San Leandro so I keep going. He turns a corner and heads into the alley leading into Mills park, I start to hear noise coming from there, maybe the theatre is nearby.
But when I turn the corner I don’t see a theatre,  Ryan is Hiding behind a garbage can, I can see a burning flame, it’s in the shape of a “t” there is a mexican couple hanging from the old tree that overshadows the park. And a group of men in white sheets laughing. In the back there’s three with their masks off draped in red. I can recognize two of them, that shiny headed rat faced fuck cop who nearly gave Calvin a concussion, and in the middle the mayor of San Leandro egging them on. I can recognize him by his terrible orange wig and skin. I start to step back but I accidently bump into a metal trash can, I save it from being tipped over but not the glass beer bottle sitting on top. It breaks in a way that couldn’t have possibly felt more loud.  Ryan runs out towards me and yells “RUN!” we both sprint back the way but I hear a series of loud shots and fall to the floor. When I look at myself I can see a hole in my jeans and blood is running down my sneakers. Ryan is on the floor and He’s not moving.  I always knew I’d die in this shithole.
Suddenly I feel a big moist hand pressing on my face and another pulling me back. I really hope it’s not that cop. I hesitantly open my eyes to instead find Calvin pulling me dragging me backwards at incredible speeds. I look up to see Ryan lying face down with blood quickly stretching around him. I can see a few Klan members far in the back on the other side of the park casually walking towards what they think is two fresh kills.
Calvin drags me around a corner behind a red bricked old building and attempts to stand me up straight. “OW! Fuck, no I don’t think I can stand.” Calvin nods understandingly and throws my arm over his shoulder and he tucks his under my rib cage helping to carry me. He’s basically jogging and dragging me upright with him. We cross the poorly lit street and go up to a home with a for sale sign in front. Calvin carries me to the fence leading to the backyard and throws me over. I land hard on the other side. But I kept it to myself out of fear someone would hear me. At least It wasn’t concrete. As Calvin attempts to climb over the gate it slowly pivots open with hanging on the side feeling foolish. He hops down to quickly and quietly shut the gate.  He rushed over to me and looks me over inspecting my wounds. The bleeding isn’t as bad as I once thought but I am still bleeding. Calvin looks to find away into the plain yellow house when he notices a hole leading into part of the house. The hole was made by some sort of animal. Possibly a rat? Maybe something bigger? He goes in without a thought. As I lay in the grass filled backyard I can hear voices. They are indistinct and far away, But they are angry. That I can tell. And they are searching.
Suddenly the back door of the house opens. Calvin quietly comes to me and puts his finger over his mouth telling me to be quiet. He drags me inside to the living room laying me flat on the floor. He gestures for me to take off my pants while he runs into the kitchen and grabs a rag and some water. He comes back and as I take off my trousers  You can see not a whole but a large gash running across the side of my right leg. The bullet had only grazed me but it did damage all the same.
Calvin took the steaming wet rag and wrapped it around my leg. He then took my hands and gestured for me to keep it together. He quickly ran back into the kitchen looking for something when suddenly down the stairs to my left I heard a purr. Not a cat’s purr but something larger. As I looked up I saw it. One paw in front of the other climbing down the steps. Blacker than night. A panther climbed down the steps with his bright eyes fixed on mine. As he makes it to the bottom of the steps Calvin slowly approaches it with his hand out.
“Calvin, no get back!” I Said in hushed but frantick tones. But it was as if he had not heard what I said. The Panther approached him. Fangs drawn and the purr had steadily grown into growl.  But none the less Calvin Approached hand in front of him almost like a peace offering. I want to avert my eyes but I can’t.
Suddenly the growl had stopped and the panther had gone from having his fangs drawn to merely sniffing Calvin’s hand. The panthers wet nose grazed up and down Calvin’s hand. And had even started to gently and playfully nip and his finger tips. Calvin tussled the top of the cat’s head and the panther joined his side clinging to him like an affectionate puppy. Calvin patted it on the head and returned to the kitchen where he had found some duct tape under the sink. He gave my wound an improper bandage. But if I really think about it it’s not that much worse than what I would get at the hospital.
The sounds of angry voices are growing closer. Calvin turns off the light and the long muscular cat almost seems to be leading us upstairs. Calvin takes me on his arm and helps me up the stairs.
We get into the room where the panther had went to find two other cats laying in the corner with their heads cocked up in attention. They arise inspecting us and then go back to their respective corners. They are almost identical. But it is Clear which is the leader. For he was decorated in scars from a hundred battles.
Calvin guides me to an empty corner and takes off his old soft leather jacket and fixes it into a pillow for me. Resting here makes me uneasy. But what else can we do with those Klan men out there searching for us? “Thank you Calvin. We should try to leave as soon as the coast is clear. Calvin lays next to me facing the wall and I slowly shut my eyes. I’m afraid.

We awaken to the sound of a large crash. It came from down stairs. The sound was so large It almost seemed that they broke down the wall. The two panthers arose, their scars much more visible in the daylight, they slowly and calmly sneaked out into the hallway. While the leader had gone into the room opposite the hall.
“Come out lil Nigger! I’ll make it nice and quick for you. But if you hide, Well I’m gonna have me some fun.” I heard a familiar voice say. But I heard two sets of foot steps. I heard one loud thump on the first step and then after that a roar unlike anything I’ve ever heard. And a bloodcurdling scream. Two screams. And even more sounds from the cats that I cannot Identify. But it sounds as if I could hear their claws ripping into the flesh of the men downstairs. But then I heard a loud pop… a second… a third… then nothing.
“Calvin we got to get out of here.” I Said hoping he had a plan. But before he could answer the door burst open, And there towering was the bald mustachioed cop bleeding heavily out of his arm. He made eye contact with Calvin and they rushed at each other head first. But he was bigger, and he slammed Calvin on his back and punched him hard in the cheek. He raised his arm up to deliver a massive strike but before it even started he was tackled from behind. The muscular black panther on his back ripping and biting away into his shoulder trying to make it into his neck, He screamed but he quickly turned away and through the panther off of him. He tried to pin the beast but before he could attempt to Calvin was already on top of him. Calvin pinned him to the floor on his back, and Calvin put his knees on top of the officer’s already bloody arms to prevent him from fighting back. Calvin raises his right hand high and it crashes into right into the cop's  nose sending it inwards. Again and again each blow you could hear a loud crack of bone and the mush of  wet flesh .Calvin raised his fist sending it crashing into the now indistinguishable man’s face.  Again and again.
“Calvin.” I approach him but he does not react “Calvin!” I yell this time grabbing his arm and hugging him. “It’s ok… It’s ok. He can’t hurt you anymore. Come on we have to get out of here.” I stand and and hold his hand that I can now feel is wet and warm with blood but that does not bother me now as much as it might would have in a different situation.
As we walked out of the door the I could feel the panther’s rough tongue brushing the back of my ankle. It stayed close behind and cleaned the dried blood from off of my leg, but it never once bit me. We walked into the bleach white hallway to see what looked like a painting. Red sprayed all around the white walls, many straight lines stretching across the walls with little bits of it spattered covering up the lines and making them heavy and drip downward. Four bodies lay on the floor. Two police officers with unrecognizable faces
I could tell they were police officers by their uniforms, they were once blue but were now a dark purple. One panther was still laying on top of an officer  while the other had made it towards the kitchen, that was the one with the most bullet holes in it.
As we stepped out into the early morning I felt the warm rays of the sun on my face. This was something I wasn’t sure I’d get to feel again. “Alright Calvin, I think home is this way.” I pointed right. The opposite way from the park. “We should be able to make it home, but I don’t think we can go unnoticed with a four foot black panther following us everywhere.” I pet him on the head as a thank you and I start to walk off, but I don’t hear Calvin walking with me. I turn and he’s just standing there on the bottom steps of the porch looking right at me. “ Come on Calvin! We have to go! Someone would have heard that gunshot.” But he just looked at me and shook his head. The panther then took his side and they started walking the opposite direction. “Fuck Calvin!” I try to catch up to him but the pain in my leg grows every time I place my right foot on the ground. I limp behind him from a short distance. “Goddammit Calvin wait!”




When he finally comes to a stop we are outside of the Oakland zoo. I’m at the bottom of the hill struggling on all fours trying to make it up. I hated hills enough when my leg didn’t have a hole in it.
When I do make it to the top I can see Calvin on the other side of the fence. “Fuck how did you get there?” I mutter quietly to myself. When I look around I do not see any holes in the fence, and on the top there is barbed wire. I start to look around for my way in when I see a fat man in an ugly brown jumpsuit. He was a janitor on his smoke break. He propped the employee entrance open with a broom and he puffed away at his strange smelling cigarette in his car. I moved quickly and quietly and I tried to keep myself low as so he wouldn’t see me. I made my way from car to car and then i quickly did a low to the ground sprint to behind the dumpster and into the building grabbing the broomstick and keeping the janitor out.
As I walk into the zoo I feel a cold draft of air. And a strange silence comes over me. “Strange” I whisper to myself. “Where are all the animals?” on a normal day you could hear them from the bottom of the hill. In fact even today as I made my way up I could hear the sounds of birds chirping. But now nothing. Nothing but the wind blowing through the leaves.
As I walked through the tunnels I could start to hear something. I could not tell what it was. It was very jumbled. Like a thousand noises all happening at once. And as I walked deeper into the zoo I could hear it growing louder.
At the edge of the tunnel I was greeted by a blinding white light and after the light had faded I saw him. Calvin. But he wasn’t alone he was surrounded on all sides by different animals. Lions, tigers, monkeys, two giraffes towered overhead. He even had an elephant with tusks stretching out far beyond its trunk. There was a fleet of birds flying around him. Surrounding him. Going so fast I could not actually see them but a grey blur that seemed to wrap around him.
“Calvin.” I said to him as he approached “What is all this?” He looks around waving his hand showing me pride swelling up in his eyes. He puts his hand down on his chest.
“You?” I say to him questioningly? He smiles and nods. “Calvin this is incredible. But we have to get home. They have cameras in this place! They probably already know we’re here. Those cops are sure to be after us!” He looked at me his smile had faded, and he nodded.
I heard a loud crash coming from the entrance to the park. A man’s voice called out. “Those little shits are this way!”
I turned to Calvin with tears in my eyes. “Please Calvin…” But before I could finish Calvin put his hand on my shoulder and said “Bye Malcolm.” The black panther then sprinted under my legs carrying me off in the distance. I attempted to jump off and stay but It grabbed me by the back of the shirt and dragged me through the grass down the hill. As I was being dragged I could see a sea of men dressed in blue coming into the area of the zoo. And the birds had once again formed around Calvin as a protective barrier. We came to the edge of the hill and I saw them all lurch at each other, but I could see no more. But I could hear it, The sounds unlike anything I’ve ever heard of. A roar of gunfire and the shriek of hundreds of animals and men as they had their flesh ripped apart. Part of me still felt like I could hear each individual claw tear into flesh like the sound of a fine knife cutting through beef.

The panther had let me back onto its back and carried me for what seemed like forever.  He let me off in the field in the back of the school. He nipped at my hand and I patted him on the head. And he ran off into the fields back towards the hills.





I walked for about fifteen minutes before I made it to the front door of my house.
My mom instantly whisked the door open as if she had been watching out the window the entire time waiting for my return. “Oh my God Malcolm! What happened? Where were you? Where’s your brother?”

Sunday, March 5, 2017

STAINS


What is that? Mustard? Or possibly this disgusting person just decided to poop and rub it on the front of their pants. What are those, anyway? They look like they could be pajamas and they’re clearly too large for him. I fucking hate this school. All these other kids are just the same as him, just picking their noses and rubbing it on their pants, like I didn’t just see that. Hopefully fifth grade will be better.
I hate when my teacher decides to start teaching “Science” if you could even call it that. Here in Mississippi, science is not a very valued class, but at least public schools get something. My parents put me in a good christian school. They try to teach something that they believe to be a good Christian science.
“Julian.” I look up and see the teacher and most of the class glaring at me intently. It seems my effort to look busy went in vain. “Yes, Ms. Bable?” “What can you tell me about how the world came to be?” she asked. “Well, for me to know that, you would have to teach something Ms. Bable.” Ms. Bable just stared at me, angrily, for a second and walked to her desk. She picked up the phone and dialed. “Yes, Principal Richards, Julian will be coming down to your office in a few minutes… Yes, I believe we’ll need to schedule a meeting with his parents… ok great , bye.” She hangs up the phone and looks at me and sort of gestures towards the door. As I walk out I can feel the entire class staring at me. I am not well liked here, I am different, but I do not like them either. It doesn’t seem that I really like anybody.
I decided to leave school. What real reason do I have to go to the principal's office, anyway? I am probably going to get the same level of ass beating I get from my step dad. I might as well have a few hours of freedom before I succumb to my fate.
This is a pretty small town so the only real place for me to be happy is to go into the forest. And being a small town in mississippi there is a lot of it. That’s at least one thing even this place can’t ruin. The forest is nice. The air feels like there’s less fat, sweaty people breathing in it. I can smell the trees. I am not sure what kind they are but they are tall. I can see squirrels running and climbing up and across branches. The sun shine pokes out through the leaves and spots the ground making it look like a sort of distorted plaid.
As I’m walking I see something poking out from behind a tree. A deer! Eating some fruit fallen from the tree. It’s so pretty. I almost want to go up to it but i don’t want to scare it away. So i’ll  just watch from a short distance. I can feel the serenity of this moment.
BANG!
The deer falls to the floor, it’s blood spattered across the tree and parts of the ground. When out steps my step-father, the jackass hunter.
“What the hell are you doing out here boy? I know you’re ‘posed to be in school. And i don’t want no smart ass remarks.” “So do you want a smart ass remark, or not i don’t really understand you.”
He gives me a sort of glare, and puts his gun away. I know that look. I’ve seen it too many times before, and i know what comes after. I take off running in the opposite direction, but who am i really kidding he’s a grown man. I can hear his footsteps getting closer and closer. He’s gaining on me and i will not make it far. Was that snappy remark worth it? Probably, as he would have found out that I talked back to my teacher.
As he gets close enough to get his hands on me, he gives me a forceful push sending me into the rock covered ground. The rocks dig into my side, however I’ve felt worse from that kid with the shit stain on his pants.
 “You’re gonna learn how to talk to me!” He says forcefully.
He punches me, hard in the stomach. He does this again. But he does not want me to be injured so badly that he has to carry me so he takes me by the hand and stands me up. He quickly smacks me across the back of the head and we start heading off.
I think we might be headed home but I am not sure. We are definitely not headed towards the school. As we are walking in silence, we approach... it. Of Course he wants his deer. As we approach it i can hear it groan. Is it still alive? But i thought my dad shot it? Clearly not well enough to kill it. The groaning of the deer is too horrifying to bear. It’s clearly in great pain.
“Go on help it!” I cried
“What do you mean help it?” My step father asked rhetorically.
“There is only one thing to do.” He takes a large knife he had on his belt.
“W-what? Well okay just do it fast!” I say just wanting the deer to stop making those awful screaming sounds.
“Me? I’m not doing anything.” He looks at me and hands me the knife. “No, no, no, no, I won’t, I can’t, you can’t make me.”
He forces me in front of the deer and brings me to my knees over it. I  think it’s only a baby. It seems small and has many white polka dots. It’s sad that the white dots are almost all red now.
“ I can’t do it. Please! Don’t make me!”
He takes my hands in his and forces the knife down into the deer's heart.  
I don’t remember the last time i cried this hard. My step dad just looks at me, cleans off his blade and says. “ Come on, we’re going home.”




I can’t believe that even showering doesn’t make me feel clean after what happened earlier. I don’t think i’ll ever be able to stop hearing the doe cry for help. The worst part of it all is that, that asshole is cooking the deer right now. I don’t think I’ll have a choice about whether or not I’ll get to pass on the venison. “Julian! Come to dinner!” Yelled my now drunk step-father.
Dammit. I thought I might have some time to be able to recover, at least enough for me to stop shaking..
“Julian! Oh!. Sit down.” When I look at the table I see potatoes, green beans and a few pieces of fried meat already fixed for me onto a plate. “You set a plate for mom again.” I say to my step dad. He looks at the empty plate at the table. His expression turns blank as he just stares for a few seconds. “Oh right, ugh let me just get that.”
As he walks the dishes back over towards the cabinet he slowly puts them away without really watching what he’s doing. After he’s done he reaches for his flask. He shakes it and looks inside to see if there is any left but throws it and grabs a full bottle of whiskey from the cabinet.
As I’m slowly eating the potatoes and green beans my dad looks up at me and says
“I talked to yer teacher today. She told me she thinks she knows why you’ve been acting the way you’ve been acting.”
“And what way is that?” I ask, knowingly. “Let me just ask you this, what do you think of the girls at your school?” I look at him confused.  “Ugh...  I don’t know… they’re weird. Just like everyone else here.” He looks at me for a moment and shakes his head in disappointment.
“ Yer teacher said you’d probably say something like that. She gave me the number to place not too far from here that can help fix you.”
“What do you mean, Fix me. Are you saying I’m going away?”
“Yes.” He said with his head down. He walked out of the room without looking at me and takes another swig of whiskey. This is different. He’s always had something to say to me, or at least hit me with, but now he won’t even look at me.


Most mornings I might wake up to birds chirping, or perhaps the sun shining on my face. But not today. It’s only about five in the morning so the sun is still hidden over the horizon.     There are no birds either, which makes me feel like they could almost be taking the morning off in solace of my departure. I can hear the bus’s engine running outside. It pulled up just after I woke. I packed one small backpack with a change of clothes, and my toothbrush. I wanted to bring one of my comic books but my stepdad told me that they’d throw it away when I got there. What kind of place is this? I know I talk back sometimes but does that really mean I have to go live somewhere else?
I walk into the living room with my backpack to see my step dad holding the door open looking down at his bare feet.  I walk past him towards the dark blue bus. There’s a tall slender man with a very well trimmed mustache standing In front of the doors outside.
“Hello, you must be Julian. Come on inside the bus, it won’t be too long before we’re there.”  
“Where are we going?” I ask nervously. He gives me a smile and says.
“Boy, you are full of questions aren’t you? You’ll find out everything you need to know during orientation, and by the way my name is Dr. McMaron.” The doors open and he gives me a sort of welcoming gesture inside the bus. As I walk inside i notice that everything is incredibly clean. In fact, this bus is far cleaner than anything in my house (except possibly my room). All the seats are empty and I can smell the chemicals they used to sanitize the seats.  I’ve never been the only person on a bus before, normally I would be happy about this. I hope I won’t be on here long.


 


Everyone here is given a buddy or basically a roommate. But you’re responsible for eachother. My buddy is Jerald. A seven year old who has pissed his bed the past two nights I’ve been here. So far it’s been mainly me looking after him. I don’t know how or why I got paired up with him but it has to be some sort of a punishment.
Not only do I have a pissy seven year old for a roommate, but I’m forced to sleep in a old bed under what looks like the most hideous stain I’ve ever seen. What is that? Mustard maybe? Or possibly someone finally got tired of this place and just decided to throw their shit on the ceiling. Whatever it is, I’m stuck with these disgusting spots left over my bed. I do not know what this place is or why my parents sent me here. As much as I’ve always disliked everyone and most everything, the worst part about this place is the shit colored mustard spots left on the ceiling over my bed.  
“Julian, are you awake?”
I turn my head to find my annoying little shit of a room mate standing over my bed, as if my view wasn’t already bad enough. “What do you want, Jerald?”. “I wet the bed again, I need you to help me fix it.” Jerald stammered on for a few more seconds but all i could think about was how I got stuck with someone 3 years younger than me.
“Jerald, look, you’re almost eight you can’t be doing this kind of stuff.  And by ‘this stuff’ I mean wake me up at three in the morning with pissed covered pj’s. Also, what do you mean by fix this, Jerald, all we can do is wash it. Look, we just have to get the adults. They can wash it and they won’t be mad at you. Come on.” I took Jerald by the hand and we walked down the hall towards Mr.Blonde’s room. When I open the door to the hallway I become quickly blinded from the searing white light. As we’re walking down the halls, I look around and get the feeling that this place is like a hospital, but there are no sick people here. Just us kids. And the adults don’t seem like any doctor I’ve ever seen. There is also a priest that gave us a really boring sermon the other day. I don’t know about what though. It’s so boring, I can’t help but look around and just try and stay away from the other little kids; they’re all so disgusting. I see them picking their noses, and rubbing it back on their clothes, like that somehow takes care of it. A walking disease, that’s what those kids are.
As we get to the door, Jerald clutches my hand tighter, afraid of what will happen.
“Come on Jerald, you’ll be okay.” I tell him confidently,
“You don’t understand Julian, you just got here a couple a’ days ago.” This is true.
I go to the door to knock but before my hand reaches it, it swings open to show the very neatly dressed (even in pajamas) Mr. Blonde. He has a very sour look on his face, as anyone who would have if they were woken up at three in the morning by a piss covered seven year old.       “Why are you boys-- ugh! And why is he-- ugh! You boys are in big trouble!” I’ve never seen Mr. Blonde like this except when he spilled his fruity looking drink and shouted at his poster of “The View” he keeps on the wall. “Mr. Blonde, Jerald wet the bed” Mr. Blonde quickly turned his attention towards Jerald
“Are you Serious, Jerald? What is it-- three times a week now? How does it feel to be 9 years old and still wet the bed?”
Jerald had a look on his face like he was close to sobbing, he faintly let out
“But I’m Seve--” But before Jerald could even finish his sentence, Mr. Blonde grabbed him by the arm and dragged him down the hallway.“ Well from now on, you’re cleaning up all the bedwetters’ blankets around here until you shape up.”
Relieved to be rid of that little annoyance, I wandered back to my room, tired. As I got into bed and lay my head on the pillow, I once again saw the gross, old mustard stains that spotted the ceiling above my bed.




This school’s foods about as good as any other school I’ve been too. Of course meaning it’s terrible. I thought for it’s bleached white hallways, and strict cleanliness it’d have some food to back it up, but no the same shit as always. Jerald doesn’t seem to mind it though. He’s been here long eno
ugh to get used to it all.
After a few minutes the pastor walks in. He’s short and balding and he reminds me of Danny Devito.
“Hello children. We’ll be having a special sermon in five minutes. Eat quickly, there’s no food allowed in the chapel as I’m sure you already know.” He looks around gives a very wide smile and a passing glance to all the children then pauses on Jerald for a moment and leaves the room.
Jerald looks at me and says. “He does this once about every three weeks. All of his sermons go in a cycle; there’s nothing really special about this one. They’re basically all the same.”
Jerald and I finish our lunches and walk with the other children towards the chapel. One fat kid pretends to accidentally bump into Jerald, and knocks him down. “Whoops!” He turns around laughing and joins his group. I grab Jerald by the hand and say “ Are you ok? Does that guy do that sort of thing often?” “Yeah, I’m fine. This is what happens when you’ve been here as long as I have.” He says dusting himself off.
“How long have you been here?” I ask. “It’s coming up on three months.” He said, ashamed. “How long do most kids stay here for?”  I ask curiously. “The plan is for most kids to stay about three weeks but some don’t get better.”
As we walk into the chapel all the other kids sit in a circle around the priest. Jerald and I decide to sit in the back away from the others. “ Now, we all know about why we’re here. The devil works in mysterious ways. He’s constantly watching and he’s got a hold of all you, boys.” Some of the newer children gasp while the rest have heard this speech too many times before to care.
“ The devil wants to destroy your life by forcing you to question all these things. The devil wants you to question your faith to god. God wants you to stay here children, and get better. God loves you all.”
It doesn’t take long for me to zone out, about an hour and a half passes before Mr. Blonde walks into the room.
“Jerald. I need you to come with me.” He says.
“Yes, I suppose that’s enough for today. Come on children. Off to bed.” The Pastor says happily.



The next day I woke up to the sound of running throughout the halls. There seems to be some sort of direction to it. When I go to wake up Jerald, he’s not in his bed. I wonder if he has been with Mr. Blonde all night. I quickly make my way towards the hallway. Everyone is crowded in front of the laundry room. I walk up to the crowd to find Mr. Blonde doing crowd control, when he spots me. He pushes through the crowd to make his way towards me and through the gap, I can see Jerald. Hanging by a white sheet.
I don’t know what I feel at this time; confusion more than anything, I suppose. Why would he do this? I’m sure he would stop wetting the bed eventually. When Mr. Blonde reaches me he calmly says, “Go back to your room, Julian. Breakfast will be ready in about an hour.” as if nothing happened.
Mr. Blonde had Dr.McMaron escort me to my room. Dr.McMaron gave me the impression that he’s never been to college in his life let alone achieve his doctorate. He walked me inside the room and quietly asked me “Did Jerald, ever talk to you about anything? Did he, maybe, talk about wanting to run away?” “What? What are you even talking about? I just saw Jerald hanging in the laundry room, and you people have been trying to pretend nothing has happened. You’re not even doing a very good job!” Without saying anything or even changing the expression on his face, Dr. Mcmaron stood up and left the room.
I walked back over to my bed and sat there in disbelief. I looked at the clock and saw that only 9 minutes have gone by since I woke up this morning. Is this how every morning at this place will turn out? I wonder as I gaze back up into the acidic diarrhea-like stains on the ceiling.
About 45 minutes pass before I hear an announcement to come to breakfast. “Good, I’m  starving.” I say to myself, excited about breakfast. I walk into the cafeteria with the other children to find everyone eating and chatting like normal. It seems as if no one knows what happened to him. I walk over to the  lunch line and I hear they’re serving eggs and bacon, a classic. I get in line to hear the two kids in front of me talking.
“I heard they found another one over in the laundry room.” The first kid says.
“Are you serious? That’s like the second time this month.” His friend said in response.
This made me think about what Jerald had said to me before Mr. Blonde took him off to do laundry. “You don’t know what it’s like Julian. You’ve only been here a couple a’ days.” or some shit like that. But it’s true, I realize now that he was right. Things here are much worse than they appear on the outside.
As the line moves forward and I bring up my tray to be served, I catch a glimpse of the “eggs and bacon”. The eggs looked thin and pale with a sort of gray color. The bacon, while red, was hard and rubbery. Better this that nothing, I suppose. I take my tray and move towards the empty seat in the far left corner of the cafeteria, when two older boys come up to me. When they reach me, they look down at me smirking and say “We heard that Jerald is gone. What, could the little faggot not take it here anymore?” I look at them for a second bewildered, and say
“Where did you hear that from?” They both give me a look like I was living under a rock and said
“ Dude, you’re his roommate. Didn’t Mr. Blonde tell you, he’s being going around for like the past hour to talk to the other little fags.” Realizing these two mouth breathers aren’t worth my time, I go to my seat in the corner at eat this “breakfast”.










I get up at about one in the morning. Tonight is the night where I finally get some answers. I get dressed in all black and start heading for the door. I pause for a moment to think. How did Mr. Blonde know we were out in the hallways last night? He must have cameras or something in the halls. I am not sure of myself. I realize that most likely i will be caught and subsequently punished. I go into the hallway and head straight for the laundry room. I am worried as most likely they already know I am out of my room. When i get into the laundry room there is no body. Jerald has been moved. Which is no surprise to me but what is surprising is there seems to be a few yellow spots on top of the washing machine. It seems to be urine. I don’t know who’s though, just that it can’t be Jerald. His sheets were nearly dry by the time we took them to Mr. Blonde’s room. It actually seems that someone tried to clean this mess up, they just left the stains.


As I leave the laundry room I spot a drop of blood in the doorway, but when I go to examine it I hear radio chatter approaching. Quickly, I sneak away moving towards the chapel. It can hardly be called a chapel because it looks like a portable with a few decorations and a nice rug. As I enter, I’m instantly hit with very powerful images: Jesus on the cross bleeding and wearing a crown of thorns. The very same image my parents forced onto me. They told me it was something I just had to learn. That his suffering is for my sins. Every sin i commit is another nail hammered deeper into the crucifix. But how can someone do that to a child? There must have been an easier way to tell me not to take money out of my mom’s purse. I scoff at the image and walk deeper into the chapel, looking around for anything that might help me. I snuck into the chapel offices and saw an outdated computer on the desk. The monitor was off but the tower was still on. I go over to the computer and turn the monitor on to see the priest’s most recent internet search: “How to make a chocotini”. I look at his most recent searches on google it didn’t have anything interesting: just other weird sounding drinks, a search for house hold cleaning supplies and a “camera for sale” search.
None of these seemed relevant so I went through the files to find a list of videos. Labeled 1-8. I click on the first video and I see a boy. He’s a little younger than me. He’s in the chapel whimpering in the confessional booth when suddenly a baseball hits him square in the shoulder, the boy screams and goes down. Crying he asks “What do you mean? Confess to what?” When another ball hits him on the side of the head. He goes down, not making a sound this time. When Mr. Blonde steps into view, he’s smiling. I’ve never seen him smile before. He goes to shake the boy when he sees a massive cut on the boys face. He gets up and goes to the camera and it cuts to black. When I look at the description they had created for the video it said
“The boy had not been willing to play sports with the other kids and after multiple weeks of treatment he showed no signs of improvement”. Is this what they do to everyone who doesn’t make it through treatment? I rush to look at the other videos and read their descriptions.  All different children who showed no sign of improving and tortured in different ways in accordance with some minor thing the boy did.
Then I get to the eighth and final video. I press play and see the laundry room, Mr. Blonde has his penis out and is urinating on something… Or someone. Then the camera pans over to see Jerald, using his own sheets to shield himself from Mr. Blonde. When out of nowhere Jerald runs for the cameraman biting him in his thigh. The cameraman drops the camera and knees Jerald right in the face and the video cuts to black. This is all i need to put those assholes in prison forever. I quickly submit every video onto different social media websites and newspaper websites.
“I can’t believe i did it.” I say to myself happy in my victory.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
The pastor, Mr. Blonde and two other adults break down the door. They quickly get to me as there is nowhere to go. The priest goes over to his computer to see what I’ve been doing. “You’re too late. You should’ve spent more money on food for us rather than high speed internet.”  Furious, he strikes me across the face with the back of his hand. The two adults don’t flinch, as i can tell they’ve seen this side of him before. Mr. Blonde doesn’t take long to realize what’s happened and flies into a rage. They repeatedly strike me in the face and I go down. I stopped feeling the blows after the first three. Mr. Blonde’s fist is covered in red. I can’t see much, there’s blood in my eyes. All I can see is red. It’s strange even now I can’t help thinking about the white spots on the baby deer that like me are now only red.